Life Lately: The Morning After
10 July 2023
The morning after...
Your stomach tightens, your body feels warm, and your heart pounds as you begin to regain consciousness. Your first thought is that you need to take her for a pee, and then you realize she isn't here anymore, and a dark cloud of emptiness washes over you. It's as if your body knows, before your mind does, how much pain you're in. You go back to sleep so you can forget again, but then it all happens on repeat until you eventually get out of bed and face your day, face your pain, face reality...
We know we did the right thing by ending Nala's suffering, but it doesn't make it any easier. You're so hurt that your mind keeps trying to find solutions to the pain by making you feel guilty. Did I spend enough time with her? Did she know how loved she was? Should I have cuddled her a little harder? Could I have done more? But all it really is, is sadness. You miss her. You miss her more than you expected to. You just want to cuddle her again. Sniff her fluffy little head one more time. Watch her tail wag in excitement.
Loss is part of life, and it's not something you truly think about until you go through it. The life inside her was there one minute and then gone the next. It all happens so fast, and looking back, that wasn't even the most painful part for me. Seeing the life leave her failing body was a pinpoint in time. It's everything after. It's the heartache now. Coming home feels so empty, cleaning what was left of all her things feels so empty, missing the routine of caring for her feels so empty. It's the emptiness. It's the void she left. Perhaps this is why I am writing this, to fill that void, to understand it. But at the same time, there are a few things that we did before we let her go that make some of it a little easier.
I didn't want to do it because I knew she wouldn't like it (I also thought it was cheesy), but we took some paint and made a paw print painting. I'm telling you, Picasso had some competition. She's a little artist ;) I am so thankful now that we did that; looking at it makes me smile.
My friend Tracy kept telling me during the months leading up to her last days to take lots of photos and videos. I didn't think I would want to look back at them because it would hurt too much, but it does the opposite. Watching them is comforting, and it makes us smile. I am so glad my camera roll is full of images and videos of Nala.
I kept my friends and family up to date with what was happening, and everyone has been so supportive. They all sent a little message yesterday saying "thinking of you," and wow, it made a difference. Having a caring community helps a lot!
Talking and crying about her whenever I need to help to process the pain.
I didn't understand, to the level I do now, how it feels when someone loses their dog. She wasn't just a dog; she was family.
I hope know now, as each morning comes, there will be fewer tears and more happiness. I have hope that the hard times in life, the darkness, the pain are so that the happy times can be truly appreciated, be brighter, and pain-free.
Thank you for the lessons, Nala... I bloody miss you!!
